my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
