yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
