I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
