i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
