I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
