Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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