I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
