I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize