You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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