idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
