Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
