is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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