I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she peed on how many people?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
