wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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