My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
