I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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