1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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