Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
