how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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