He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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