just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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