why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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