it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
