She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
3 2 1 whiskey
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
