Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
