I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
