I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
