I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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