this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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