Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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