Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize