I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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