tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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