dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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