I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
