woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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