Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Drake has all the answers
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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