My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
