I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
