So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
