I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
