Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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