I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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