My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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