I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
