it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
