the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
