dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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