What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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