Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
