I wish I could teleport
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
