My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
