I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
