Banned from zoo.
Again?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
