I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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