Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
