you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
