mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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