i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
