HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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