I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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