I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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