would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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